Seriously, no jelly beans???
For the last decade, my favorite candy has been Jelly Beans. I capitalize it, because I believe it should be a proper noun. I love Jelly Beans, and since I can think of nothing else to write about, this will be a post totally dedicated to Jelly Beans and my thoughts and opinions on Jelly Beans.
- Brach’s Jelly Beans
- My favorite bean of all is the Brach’s brand. While their maple coated peanuts are nast, they manufacture the best beans. Overall quality, soft and chewy center, and basically pleasing flavors.
- Some of my fondest memories are of traveling to Menard’s with my dad and little brother when we first moved out of Minneapolis. We were remodeling our home, so we went a lot. And if we were extra good, or my dad had extra money, we would get a little bag of Brach’s Jelly Beans that they would display at the register. Note: they no longer carry these. The bastards.
- These are also the brand of beans most likely to be carried by your supermarket in the bulk candy aisle. But the bulk Brach’s are slightly smaller and less chewy, even at Easter time. Your best bet is to buy them by the bag at Target during or after Easter. Usually you can get a bag for $.50 the week after Easter. Yummy!
- Not so yummy: spiced jelly bird eggs. These deceptive pretenders are stocked right next to the regular, or Classic, Brach’s Jelly Beans. These are gross, but look like normal eggs. Avoid them, as all their flavors are sorely lacking in tastiness.
- Non-traditional flavors
- Jelly Belly’s, while having some tasty and unique flavors, are not a good option in my book. There’s nothing worse than grabbing a handful of Jelly Beans, popping them in your mouth, and having the nasty flavor combination of Cinnamon, mocha, and buttered popcorn.
- One way around this is to buy only the Sours, which are tasty and don’t have the tendency to catastrophically combine flavors. The downside is that, like all Jelly Belly’s, they cost about $14.
- Bertie Botts, a Harry Potter themed Jelly Belly product, is nasty. My wife loves them, as she loves all things Potter. I don’t. Although they have the flavors accurate, why pay $14 to taste rotten egg, or dirt. And with the exception of pickle and sausage, you can get the actual thing it’s based on for free anywhere.
- Innovative Tastiness
Truly we live in a land of plenty, as these are some of the options for tasty Jelly Beans with a unique spin(unlike the Potter beans).
- Starburst Jelly Beans. The first branded Jelly Bean I was aware of, these are awesome. Delivering the tart and sweet flavor of Starburst candy, with all the positive attributes of the Jelly Bean. These are smaller than a normal Jelly Bean, but that is fine, because they definately pack the flavor.
- Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans. Yes, they make them. And yes, they are tasty. The only possible downside is that you could literally eat a whole bag in one sitting, and then you have to deal with that tongue swelling and rotgut associated with a sugar binge. But it’s almost worth it.
- Life Savers Jelly Beans. These are also darn tasty, and they manage to almost identically reproduce the flavors, but with a chewy center and crunchy coating.
- Smuckers Jelly Beans. Possibly the second best Jelly Bean available, these tasty nuggets of goodness have real fruit juice flavor, and will kill you with their awesomeness. I kid you not.
- Super America Gas Stations.
- But what do SA gas stations have to do with Jelly Beans? Nothing. That’s the point. They have nothing to do with each other. For the last couple of years, SA has carried little to no Jelly Bean options. Occasionally you will find a Life Saver Jelly Bean, but there are no classic options except during the month of Lent. Like they give up their hatred of tastiness for a month in memory of the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. Whatever. I will still shop at your convenience stores, due to your low gas and cigarette prices, but Swedish Fish are not a good alternative to Jelly Beans. Jerks.