New Rules for Life…

Got this in a chain email, which I normally don’t respond to or acknowledge.  I’m sure this was stolen from some standup comedian or other, but it’s actually pretty amusing.flag on the play

New Rule:    

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.Com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days-he’s mowing my lawn.

  • Now I can’t agree with this one, as I enjoyed(most of) the people I went to high school with.  But I’m sure that Brandon Idonwanna is mowing my lawn as we speak…


New Rule
 

Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out of a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

  • Again, I would disagree.  Just a hamburger cost $0.49 when you were young, that doesn’t mean that your $11 Wendy’s lunch is going to be a gourmet treat.  It’s called inflation.  A crappy hamburger will always be a crappy hamburger, even if you have to pay $6 for it.  


New Rule:  
 

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If  you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men. 

  • Word

New Rule 

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of  them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule 

There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want  flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule 

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the  top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule 

I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

New Rule 

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “chicken with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule 

Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open  of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They’re  already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule 

I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

  • I’ll make a judgment call here and disagree.  I love Mega M&M’s because you get a higher chocolate to candy shell ratio.  Using this rules rationale, I should eat a bite of Hershey bar and then an M&M.  But this is America, so there is a specialty candy designed for just this situation, and that’s awesome!

New Rule 

If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens.  Let’s remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule 

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and  new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white  people’s version of looting.

New Rule 

And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had an “encounter” with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish and a couple of cologne testers. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule 

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule 

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying “Do you want fries with that?” 

  • I actually do agree with this.  I would add a further caveat:
    “just because your dream job(rocker, oil rig worker, Alaskan crab fisherman, Custom Car fabricator) wouldn’t care about your tattoo/piercing, doesn’t mean the jobs you’ll have to work in the interim won’t care either.
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~ by thecox on July 12, 2007.

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